It has been some time since I last wrote to you all; not only in real time, but in “Doug time.”  My son just turned 5.  FIVE!  Holy sweet crap!  It seemed like just yesterday that I was changing his diapers.  Now he is writing.  I have asked Joy to move in with me.  She gladly obliged.

Let me pass on some of the past months joys (pun only partially intended) and sorrows. Ok, so maybe not sorrows, but the lower points.

Halloween was an interesting time.  The ex wanted my son for the night itself so she could have a Halloween party for him.  So first Joy and I went down and watched him march in the school’s Halloween parade. 

I would like to digress on a couple of things.  First, he wanted to Indiana Jones for Halloween.  I was a tad disappointed as I am a Halloween conservative.  Costumes should be scary.  Plus I am pretty sure he only wanted to be him so he could have a whip.  But he was so cute.  You can see him below. 

 

 

 

Yes, that is Velma you see.  So after that, Joy and I get dressed to go to Kei’s party.  We dress as an undead bride and groom.  Yep, my GF and I dressed as a zombie bride and groom for my ex-wife’s Halloween party.  We looked freakin awesome!  We got to the party and no one was there.  My poor son had only one kid show up to his party. 

So Joy has this great idea.  After we drop Kei off that Sunday, we hea to Target and get a bunch of clearance Halloween decorations and candy.  Two weeks later, we surprise him with a “spooky breakfast.”   We have Joy’s nieces over and we watch Scooby-doo.  Kei had a blast and he tells Joy, “This is the party I wanted to have.”  It was awesome.

So moving on to Thanksgiving:  Kei, Joy, and I head to my mom’s.  This time around, I am not deathly ill, at least for most of it.  I made bread and pies.  Joy made some awesome Portuguese rolls.  Kei loved playing with Duncan and Gwen, his cousins.  My sister commented on how much weight I lost.  Oh, and Joy and I went to Midnight Madness at the outlets.  I got a new suit.  It was actually kind of funny.  The saleslady asked what size I was and I couldn’t tell her.  She was kind of annoyed until Joy pointed out that I had lost like 80 pounds in a year.  The saleslady actually asked her if I had surgery!

 

Fuck Yeah!

 

Moving on, Saturday night, I started feeling ill, and, sure enough, I got violently ill for like 36 hours.  It was horrendous, but fast.

Crap!  I nearly forgot about Joy’s birthday.  The weekend before Thanksgiving, I took Joy to Vermont for the weekend.  We started the weekend by going to Joy’s sister’s for her birthday party.  Joy made her cry.  It was sweet.  The we went on to Vermont.  We stopped by an artisan cheese maker that made gouda.  Awesome, ethereal, Gouda.  They made several varieties, including a maple-smoked.  Then we went to this amazing German restaurant.  I tried pickled herring.  The flavor wasn’t bad .  The texture wasn’t bad.  However, it didn’t match.  To simplify this, I will express this in mathematical terms.

 

Cooked fish taste + Cold slimy ≠ food I will eat twice.

 

I tried it, sure.  But no way was I having a second piece.  So after dinner, we went to a hotel where we watched the entire cast of villains from a Die Hard movie check in right before us.  The whole thing, with the crazy foreigners and pickled fish, turned me goofy, as noted below.

 

 

            So skipping past Thanksgiving, to the week after when we went back out to my mom’s to see my god friend Pat get engaged.  The ballsy bastard actually asked her on-stage after a show.  It was amazing and she said yes!  Congrats to her.

            This brings me to an interesting point in my life.  I was the first to get married, but now I am the only male that is not either married or engaged to be so.  Well, perhaps I blazed a path for the rest and, hopefully, they have learned from my mistakes.

            Ok, it is getting late and I want to talk about the awesome gift my girlfriend got me for Christmas.  It was a real gift of Magi moment. 

            First, just a little background:  My GF’s roommate is an uber-geek programmer who makes money hand over fist and really has no big financial commitments.  He also cares for Joy deeply and was brought up to believe you expressed that by buying things.  So he buys, and buys. I am always a little concerned as he always gets her expensive, extravagant gifts, which I just don’t have the money for.  So for Christmas, she had mentioned he was going to get her one of like three things, all of which were way out of my price range. 

We have Christmas 2 with my mom, Lauren, my son, Joy, and Bill.  We invite Bill since Kei loves him so much, and frankly it is the nice thing to do since his own family treats him like shit.  So we pass out presents, nothing big, but after a bit Bill starts saying stuff about giving Joy his gift now.  He is making a big deal of it, even apologizing to me for not getting me a gift.  I tsk him, teeing him he didn’t have to get me a gift, but I am secretly worried that he got her something incredible.

He pulls out this big box and she unwraps it.  In the wrapping is a big brown amazon box.  She opens the box and I ask her what she got.  She looks up at me, smiles and responds, “Nothing.  This is for you.”  She then pulls a smaller wrapped package out of the box and hands it to me.  I unwrap it to find the coolest and most expensive item on my wishlist.  It is the complete series of BTVS.  If you don’t know what that is, then you will likely think it is a geeky present.  I cried. 

She goes on to explain that she told Bill she would forfeit her present this year if he would split the cost of this for me.  The only response I could muster was, “But I sold the DVD player to buy you these combs!”

Best Christmas ever!  OK, it is very late and I have to get to one of my sites that can’t figure out how to treat wastewater….long story.

 

 

 

So, it’s 11.  Not late by my old standards, but new Doug is old.  That is to say that the Old Doug was younger and more prone to night-owl like activities.  Needless to say I can not sleep right now.  I figured I would take this opportunity to update you folks on some of the new things going on in my life.  Now I could talk about my hot red-headed girlfriend who continues to astound me with her beauty, kindness, and overall amazingness.  Or I could discuss my new job, part time, as an election inspector, and how I will be putting in my first official day tomorrow on primary day.  Or I could discuss my weight loss. Yes, my friends I was, as of this afternoon, down to 244.  This is not a small number by any means, but it is almost 70 pounds less than a year ago.  Oh and I am jogging on a regular basis.  Ooh, I could tell you how I went to a good friend’s wedding and instead of drinking my loneliness and despair away into a hazy evening of regret, I actually had a great time…sorry aaron…or I could talk about my accidental pumpkins.  But instead of all that I will go for an oldie but goody.  Let’s talk about my crazy ex-wife!

 

Ok, so she got pregnant with her new boyfriend.  I think I told all you folks that.  Then she moved to the middle of nowhere.  Seriously.  She is just inside the 50 mile radius required by the divorce decree, but I still have to drive an hour just to see my son.  Plus, if I am picking him up, he has to spend and hour in the car to get home.  It is rough on him and me, but he seems to holding on like a trooper.  She and her boyfriend bought this crappy old farmhouse which they are slowly fixing up.  Of course right before Kei was supposed to move in they had no heat.  It was the end of March, but still pretty cold at night.  Then about a week after they moved in, the boyfriend’s car broke down and I spent all of April and most of May driving there and back.  I ended up getting Kei into swimming lessons at the YMCA by me after the swimming lessons she arranged imploded when the first day came with one instructor for like 30 kids.

Her new child was born and she named her after the month she was supposed to born in, but she was born a month after that.

 

Ok, so now that Kei has started school, I get to see him much less than I used to.  She would only agree to let me see him on Friday nights until bedtime and every other weekend for overnights.  The ex-wife and I tried to prepare him for it and he seemed ok with it.  He loved his first week at school last week.  He told me his teacher’s name, his lunch code number, his bus number, what he ate every day, what he did in school, etc. 

 

This weekend was my first post-school start weekend with him.  Things were going great until it came time to bring him back down there.  He was complaining about how he didn’t have time to play with this, that, and the other.  I told him we would have plenty of time to play on other days.  I told him the next weekend we had a weekend together, it would be a big fun time.  He got into the car ok, but he was clearly bummed about leaving.  About halfway there he munched on some M&Ms and asked me why he couldn’t see me more often.  I told him that he was going to school now and he had to get up early so he could do that and although I did want to see him, it was best for him to stay with his mom during the week.  He then followed up by asking why he couldn’t see every weekend then.  I told him that mommy missed him too and it was only fair for her to get to see him on a weekend too.  I also let him know that I would get to see him on Friday and that I would call him every day to ask him how his day was going.

 

So we get o his mom’s and he refuses to get out of the car.  He insists that he is going to sit there until we go back home.  After Joy tries to get him out, I get in back with him.  Meanwhile, I can hear the ex up on her porch calling out, “What’s going on down there?”  It was heart wrenching, but I ended up having to lift him out and carry him up the steps to her house.  Of course she keeps going on, “Why isn’t he walking?”

 

“He didn’t want to get out of the car.”

 

“You need to stop playing into this.  He has begun acting much younger to get his way and you are just playing into it.  I will discuss it with you later.”  I give him a big hug good bye and a big kiss and then I turn and walk away.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

 

On top of that, I found out that she intentionally got pregnant with her boyfriend and that he was laid off “a couple of weeks ago”  So now the only money coming into that house, outside of public assistance, is my money…great, fucking great.

 

I am this close to calling my lawyer and just filling him in on the situation out there.  I am not sure if it is worth it, for Kei’s sake, yet, but it can’t help.  I was pushed further in that direction when I could not get a hold of anyone on the phone down there today.  I will need to have a few words with her tomorrow, assuming she answers.

 

Ok, so enough of the nasty crap.  I will update tomorrow with happy crap, I promise. And to leave you with a good feeling, check out these two pics from his very first day of school, getting on his first big kid bus alone.

Yep, it has been a long summer.  I have not posted in a long time.  So much has happened and I would love to get into all the interesting trips and fascinating crap my ex wife has done, but that will come on other days as I wil have more free time now.  The reason why is because is starting school and I will not be seeing him as often as I usually do.  This is due to a rather nasty confluence of events that sems to have started shortly after my ex-wife's parents met.

I will touch more on that later, including some postings on Kei's swimming lessons, strawberry picking, and one of my best friends' wedding, butfirst I would like to tell you about my Labor Day Weekend.  My weekend filled with fried foods, sugar, and my first ride in a ferris wheel.  Yep, you guessed it, I went to the Great New York State Fair!

I have gone the past several years for work actually.  It is a great time, they pay me to stay out there and and pay for me to actually go to the fair and in return I give them a few hours a day to talk to the wonderful folks of the state (read, "some good folks, some crazies, some from column 'A' and 'B'")  This year I brought Joy with me.  She was quite the trooper and hung out at the fair the entire time and worked and even brought me food from far-flung reaches of the midway.  I would recommend the maple cotton candy and the maple ice cream.  Themaple ice cream is best thought with a sugar waffle to dip in it.  We also had a yummy cuban sandwich, some excellent chicken, and some decent deep-fried veggies.  But the highlight of the trip, the deepest of the deep, or the zenith of the heights, dependingon how you look at it, were the "loaded fries."

Now let me say that if you just go to the fair and order loaded fries from any ol' vendor, yur experience will not in any match ours.  For truly it takes the culinary skill, hedonistic depravity, and sheer wit of my Joy to order something like those fries.  Picture this if you will.  We stop at a vendor who advertises, among other things, "Hogwash Nachos" (nachos with cheese, jalapenos, etc. and pulled pork) and "deep fried macaroni and cheese"  Joy says to me that she would love some loaded fries.  I agree.  I am at the fair, after all, and what is more fair like than taking french fries and dumping just about every other food group on top of them?  Nothing, I say, NOTHING!

But she wants more so we approach the man and the following conversation ensues:

"Excuse me my good man, but what exactly do you put on your 'Hogwash Nachos'?"

"Melted cheese sauce, jalapenos, olives, bacon bits, and pulled pork."

"Excellent!"

"So you want an order of the Hogwash Nachos?"

"Mmmmm, not so fast there partner.  We would like all that comes on the nachos, but put it on the fries."

The entire state fair seems to go silent as this man, whose job is deep-frying macaroni and cheese, stares at us before asking, "You want me to do what now?"

"We want an order of fries with all the toppings of the hogwash nachos."

"All right then, we can do that."  Within minutes this mountain of cheese, bacon, jalapeno, and pork-covered fries is handed over to us (at quite a reasonable price I might add.)  We dove in  and enjoyed until our hearst ached from cholesterol and our mouths burned from tangy jalapeno juice.

We also saw the Banana Derby.  It ismonkeys racing on the backs of dogs.

There was also this neat display of model circus trains presented by the circ....

hmmm?  What was that?  Oh yeah, you heard me right.  I said monkeys racing on the backs of dogs. P.T. Barnum would have shed a tear.  A tear of joy at the sight!  It was far less exploitative than I thought it would be and it had the added attraction of featuring my good friend Aaron Isaacs from about 7 years ago as the MC of the whole thing. 


So there you have it...it is hard to see as there were a lot of people there, but if yu lok closely you can see the monky on that dog's back. 


All in all, it was a great time.  Joy proved yet again how wonderful she could be.  I will discuss that a little more another day.

This is a few weeks late, I know.  And it will not cover my birthday or some of the weirdness thereafter, but I am really tired and I want to talk about the fun I heard during Easter.  Kei, Joy, and I went out to my mom’s for Easter.  Kei and I left Thursday afternoon.  Joy and her dad left an hour or so behind us.  We met at a service area, had dinner, and then I took Joy on from there.  At dinner, I almost told her dad that she was quitting her job.  Actually, I did tell him, but he didn’t hear.  I couldn’t believe she hadn’t told him.  She is one of those super honest types who seems to keep nothing from her dad, or pretty much anyone for that matter.  I also made a crack which got in trouble with Joy.  I forget even what I said, but I apparently compared her to the dog…whoops.

We got to my Mom’s and the weekend went really well.  I brought some homemade bread.  My sister came up with her family.  Kei loved playing with his cousins.  They ran amok around the upstairs for a good hour or so.  Joy and I chased them through the halls.  There is nothing funnier than hearing a four-year-old scream while simultaneously laughing. 

After a while of that, the kids went downstairs to watch a movie and relax.  Joy and I were left upstairs, alone.  Well, one thing led to another, and we were fooling around.  I was having a really great time.  I wanted to say something to show what a mood she had me in.  I believe it is called “pillow talk.”  So there she is moaning, very quietly, while I am touching her.  I don’t want to say the usual.  So I start thinking quickly.  I know she is a little stressed over this leaving her job thing.  Suddenly it hits me.  I lean in and whisper in her ear, “Oh baby.  I love having sex with you so much.  You know what I am going to do?  I am going to buy some lotto tickets.  I am going to win the lottery so you can stay home, naked.  Then we can have sex all the time.”

Yep, I said that.  I used lotto to turn on my girlfriend.  You know what?  It worked!  I will be damned if she didn’t have a huge orgasm. 

Friday night, two of Kei’s “Aunts” came over, Aunt Tammy and Aunt Becky. (pictured below)

He was playing in the tent I set up for him.  I set it up in his bedroom.  It was a promise I had made before talking to my mom about sleeping arrangements.  It had been meant to be an incentive to get him to sleep in the back, but he ended up sleeping in his usual room anyway.  So his aunts came over to visit him, but he was only greeting guests in his tent.

On Saturday we colored eggs and then had an egg hunt outside.  Kei was so funny.  He took the term “coloring eggs” quite literally.  He took a purple marker and sat there coloring one egg purple while each of his cousins colored all six of their own eggs.  Here is the egg he made:

Isn’t she beautiful?

So after that, my sister and I hid the eggs in the backyard and then let the kids loose.  They all had a great time.  Kei found his eggs and then some.  Here is a great pic of him after the hunt.  That is Gwen, his cousin, in the background.

Shortly after that, I had to bid goodbye to Joy.  She was going back home with her dad so she could see her niece’s first communion.  I drove her out to meet her dad and then drove home.  I was kind of missing her already. Luckily, Tammy and Bec took me out after Kei got to sleep.  We went to this new place in Geneva and had a great time.  I even got to see Pat, sweet Pat.  He actually came out to see me for my birthday…that big lug.  This is Pat’s cool, waterproof cell phone:

 

And this is the freakiest lamp ever

The following morning, the kids woke up to find Easter baskets.  They gorged on candy and then my sister and her kids, and Joe, left for home.  I was getting ready to leave, collecting all of my stuff and Kei’s when my mom stops me on the stairs and asks me where I see my relationship with Joy going.

“Umm, I plan on being around her for a long time mom.  But we are both still taking it slowly.”

“Ok, well if you want to give her a ring, I have a diamond in the back.  Your dad bought it years ago.  It is really only a chip, but it would work if you needed it to.”

“Uh thanks mom.”  Joy was going to love hearing that.  Kei and I left around 12:30.  He was asleep a few miles after we got on the Thruway and he slept all the way to Amsterdam.  From there, I ended up going out to see Joy’s family in Waterford.  Her nieces were so cute.  Joy’s sister was harassing me about when I am going to marry Joy.  Yep, Joy loved the ring talk.  She was twitching.

That’s all for now.  I will check back in later with the birthday stuff.  

It’s a good thing I am not like a real writer or anything.  I do not make deadlines.  It is also a good thing that I am a state worker.

 

Make of that last statement, whatever you wish.

 

There is one thing I must, MUST, clarify before I finish the  NYC trip.  The sex that Joy and I had before dinner was phenomenal!  We got down and dirty and ascended to a new level of consciousness, both at the same time.  It was amazing.

 

Ok, moving on.  So after a few serious games of Mancala Joy and I went to bed in the most comfortable bed ever (MCBE).  It was supportive and yet, somehow, very soft.  If I haven’t before, I would like to totally recommend the Residence Inn, Times Square.  Their beds are amazing!  This king-sized cloud was a little slice of heaven.  It allowed us both plenty of room to sleep.  I know this because at some point, Joy decided that she wanted a pillow between us.  The Amish pillow effectively prevented inter-sexual mingling for the remainder of the evening.  Or at least until 5 AM when someone rang the bell and knocked on the door.  I woke with a start and forced myself out of the MCBE  Making my way to the door in the dark, and the nude,  I peeked through the peep hole and saw a man standing outside, looking around.

 

“Yes.”  I said in the toughest voice I could muster.  Joy referred to it later as my “intimidating to compensate for being naked” voice.  So after that little interruption I returned to the MCBE for a few more hours of sleep.

 

So when I finally did reawaken, I must admit I was in a pissy mood.  I was tired from the 5 AM guy and I had a wicked headache for a reason I couldn’t figure out.  I took a few Tylenol and we went downstairs and had some breakfast.  After breakfast we decided to check out, but keep our baggage there so we could do a little exploring.

 

We headed out onto 6^th Avenue and headed North.  We went up to Bryant Park and we discovered the New York Public Library on the other side.  Yeah, I know, anyone with a map would have known that, but we were mapless.  So we walk around to the front of the library and there are signs up advertising the Jack Kerouac display, including the “On the Road” manuscript.  It is a like 50-foot long scroll.  So I was totally into going, but they didn’t open for like two more hours.  Joy was cool though, she suggested that we could find things to do.  And she was right.

 

We then headed back west and further North, into Times Square.  We went into the M&Ms store.  I know, it is kind of cheesy (or is it chocolaty?  Ok, that was bad, I apologize for that), but we had a fun time.  We wandered around the huge store with the three (yes 3!) stories of M&M and associated  candy products and paraphernalia.  My favorite thing, which I had actually seen the night before at the candy store, was the custom color dispenser.  It is this free-standing display of M&Ms in bulk, in those dispensing tubes, like at the movies.  Only besides the standard mixes, they have well over a dozen colors individually sorted, as well as custom mixes with the New York sports teams' colors, a NYC cab mix (cab yellow and light gray), and a statue of liberty mix (light gray and light green that really seem to match her patina perfectly).  Then, at the end of the thing, I saw they had the almond ones, my favorites.  And, right next to the almond, they had a new limited-release flavor, wild cherry.  So I decided I would get a bag.  I grab a bag and see the price: $9 per pound.  Fine, I will just not get much.  So I pour out some almond ones and sprinkle some cherry ones on top of that.  As I look around, I can see the evidence of dozens of remorseful, guilt-ridden shoppers.  There are half-full and tied bags of the bulk candy littered everywhere.  The thought of a $9 bag of M&Ms is apparently a bit much, even for New York City.  I immediately steel myself to actually buy the bag.  I am not going to waste that food.   I weigh it at the little scale next to the display.  It is a little over a pound and a half.  I estimate that it will cost me about $15.  Now I begin to sweat.  Whoa.  That really is a lot for candy.  No!  I must be strong.  I will just eat it slowly.  Speaking of which, I really do not need this candy.  I have too much problem with good eating choices without added temptation in the house.  I turn to Joy and she practically reads my mind.  “It’s ok,” she says to me.  “You don’t have to get it.  You can if you really want, but I am sure they deal with this all the time.  Obviously.”  In the end, I left the bag hidden behind some shirts and caps.  You know, it wasn’t the loss of money that I felt bad about.  I really felt bad that I was so obviously wasting food.  The next time I am down there, I am actually going to buy that bag of candy.  I am going to hold it high and tell the world that the world’s hungry need not turn a judgmental eye to me.  I am going to eat that candy!

 

So after that we went to Ruby Foo’s for lunch.  We got edemame and a dim sum platter.  I was feeling so worldly.  Edemame is steamed soy beans, in their pods, and then they are tossed in salt.   The edemame arrives and I take my chopsticks and pop one in my mouth.  I want to show off to Joy.  Show no fear.  No sooner was the pod in my mouth then she gets this horrified look on her face.  “I shouldn’t put the whole thing in my mouth should I?”  I bite down and feel this salty, stringy mush between my teeth.  She nods her head as she is trying to suppress the laughter.  She picks up one of the pods and places the end of it in her mouth, easing the beans inside into her mouth.   I try to chew a few more times before I give up and, in as worldly a manner as I can muster, pull the remnants of the pod from my mouth.  After that misstep though, I thoroughly enjoyed lunch.  I had a great time eating with Joy.  We laughed and savored the salty beans and the scrumptious dumplings.  She didn’t even laugh too much at my chopstick usage.  I used to use them all the time in college, but I am now frightfully out of practice.

 

After we leave the restaurant, we decided to head to the Hershey store (Are you sensing a theme?  I sure am.)  Before we can though, we hear this incessant honking coming down the street towards us.  We move to the curb in time to see this mini parade of men and women hanging out of their cars with Albanian flags and pro-America signs.  I should note that I didn’t know, at the time, that they were Albanian flags.  I looked at Joy and she shrugged her shoulders.  A few minutes later, she says, “Oh yeah, I wonder if this has to do with those guys announcing independence or something.”  I look at her, and my understanding of the world shifts.  You see, I am somewhat of a news junkie.  I read the New York Times, CNN, and the local paper websites a few times a day as well as count myself as a regular listener of NPR (Hell I am even a member now.  A shout out to WAMC.)  Joy is generally more of an entertainment news gal.  “What?”

 

“Yeah I saw it on the news this morning.”  Oh, ok.  Wow, how the hell did I miss that?

 

So we made our way to the Hershey Store.  It was much smaller than the M&Ms store and, I must admit, not nearly as fun.  As we exit, the mini-parade is continuing.  They are, apparently, just circling a few blocks over and over.  We walk back east, back to the library.  It is on the way there that the low point of the weekend happens.  My phone rings and it is my sister.  I answer it, knowing what she has to say.  My grandmother has died. 

 

She was old; the last living member of two generations of my dad’s side.  She had also been on a slow slide for the past eight or so months.  It had been less than week before then that my sister had called to let me know that the Hospice folks were only giving her a few more days.

 

You know, I was going to discuss this in another post, but I might as well get it out now.  I was a shitty grandson.  My grandmother had three kids and four grandkids.  My sister and I were the only ones anywhere within regular traveling distance.  Her other two grandchildren live in Arizona.  My grandparents buried all three of their kids.  All from sudden massive heart attacks.  My grandfather had been doing much better than her.  He was admitted into the nursing home after her, and really on a technicality.  He just wanted to be with her.  He died about a year ago.  After he died, I promised her I would keep in touch.  I kept forgetting to call.  I finally made a promise to myself to write once a week.  That lasted for about 6 weeks.  When my sister first called, I had not even spoken to my grandmother in months.  I knew I had to do something so I drove down to see her one last time.  I found her lying in her bed, asleep.  She awoke shortly after I arrived and said that she was so happy that I had come.  I am not sure if she could tell if I was me or if she thought I was my Dad, or even my Uncle.  I didn’t make out anything else she tried to say.  She slept most of the time.  I held her hand.  Her skin was like a sheet of tracing paper.  You could see her heart beating in her chest.  I wished her good bye, then I left.  Seeing her was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

 

So there I was, standing on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 42^nd Street, contemplating the end of an era.  An end I had seen coming for months.  I have to say that my heart had already broken three days before that, when I saw her last.  Now that she was gone, it was…easier.  I was glad to know that she was with my grandfather and her children.  You know, it felt like one might feel when making your first trip to the ocean.  You plan for it for months.  You drive for hours.  You can almost feel the sand between your toes.  You stand at the shore, contemplating the vastness in front of you.  Then you step in and it hits you.  It’s just water.  But you are still changed, because it may only be water, but it is still the ocean too.
 

 

Ok, given the critical responses I have gotten over the bad news I have been reporting, I will now move on.  The Jack Kerouac exhibit was amazing.  The scroll was incredible.  I could just imagine the journeys he made, the people he met.  The life he lived.  So much of it going into that scroll.  I also never knew what a great painter he was.  There was this awesome piece up.  I think it was called “The Blue Woman” or “Woman in Blue” or something like that.  It just entranced me.

 

Finally, after that, we went to Le Pain Quotidien.  It is this chain of restaurants, based out of Belgium, that is primarily a bakery, but serves light fare.  They have this cool communal table in the center for the talkative and adventurous.  We opted for a small table off to the side.  After a look at the menu, I decided on the tomato soup.  I smelled it when I walked in, and it was calling out to me.  Joy suggested we could share that and a cheese tray.  The soup was amazing.  The flavor was robust, but not overpowering.  Then the cheeses arrived, with an assortment of breads.  I felt European, sophisticated.  But, most importantly, I felt good.  It felt so natural sitting there with her.  I felt like I could spend the rest of my life there, eating cheese, laughing about how good the soup is, and suggesting cheese and bread combinations to each other.  She even enjoyed it when I took the light, soft cheese (kind of crème fraiche, but firmer) and dropped it into the soup.  Damn it was good:  the soup, the cheese, the bread, the coffee, but most of all, the time.

 

Ok, it is now way too late.  I will post this and get back to you later.

 

 

 

 

Here I am you, my demanding public!  With yet another update to bring you finally up to speed on all that is life here in the Electric City, i.e. Schenectady.

 

So Joy and I have been doing really well.  She came with me down to Manhattan a few weeks ago and we had a blast.  I had to go down for work. We were drilling holes in the UPS building parking lot and they only wanted us in on the weekends, for a very short time on the weekends.  So, I asked Joy if she would want to join me for the weekend.  We went down on Saturday Morning.  I was able to get an early check-in at our hotel, the Residence Inn Times Square.  I would like to recommend it actually.  It is a couple blocks off of Times Square, at 38^th and 6^th, but it is only two blocks from Bryant Park and the back of the New York Public Library.  You know… the one with the Lions.  The one the Ghostbusters run from screening at the beginning of the first movie. 

 

Anyway, I drop her off and head off to my work.  I get back and Joy tells me that she has not left the Hotel room.  The old friend she was supposed to meet up with never got called.  So we have some invigorating sex and then head out for dinner. 

 

We head up to Times Square and find a place off of  46^th Street.  It is a steak house that isn’t overtly touristy and that makes their own beer.  It turns out there are a few of them, but oh well, the food and the beer was good.  We waited for about 30 minutes, not bad for a Saturday night with no reservations.  While waiting, I had two of their yummy beers.  Then we sat down and had some yummy dinner.  I had a Buffalo steak with Asparagus.  Damn that was good!  We also ordered a beer flight with seven beers.  Joy and I were a little buzzed when her friend showed up.

 

Ok, I have not mentioned that her friend was showing up.  Yep.  It turned out there the job she was doing that day, modeling for a body painter, took longer than expected.  She was on the train when she called us, still painted.

 

So she arrives, still painted, and now the fun ensues.  People are walking up to her and asking her all about the painting.  It was inspired by several Chagall paintings.  She shows Joys the pictures she was given by the artist.  Joy then asks if I am allowed to see them.  She consents before I have too much time to think about why Joy asked and I am shown a picture of Joy’s High school friend, naked from the waist up.  And for the record, she is very nice, but Joy is much better. 

 

Joy has perfect breasts.

 

One thing I want to note now: her whole body is painted form the waist up, so not a speck of her visible skin is bare.  This includes her eyelids, over one of which is painted a large, cartoonish eye.  So whenever she blinks, I get the distinct impression that she has one really bad lazy eye.

 

So I ask her is she wants a drink and she does.  She asks the waitress, after she finishes tell her too about the painting all over her body, for a “choclatini.”  The waitress says she doesn’t know if they have one, but she will ask.  She arrives shortly thereafter with Choclatini in hand.  So she drinks her drink while we finish our dinner.  Meanwhile, she and Joy are catching up.  Joy asks her for a recommendation for dessert.

 

“Serendipity.  We must go to Serendipity!  The have frozen hot chocolate.  It is delicious.”

So after I pay the bill, we head out to grab a cab.  She sees someone she knows on the way out, we think, and waves as she walks out.  She hails us a cab and we all pile into the back.  The first thing that she does is try to turn off the video screen in the back.  She touches the ff button, but keeps punching at it so it keeps turning on.  The she starts to tel the driver where to take us by saying simply, “We want to go to Serendipity.  You know where that is right?”  He doesn’t seem to, but she keeps asking him as if she doesn’t know.  However, I know that she knows because she told us the intersection where it was.  Finally she relents and tells him the address and we are off.  

 

First she is telling us about the new man in her life.  How he loves to cook, naked, and how she videotaped it.  How she loves having sex with him.  In fact, they just had sex that morning.  But he woke her up to have sex and then went back to sleep.  How she loves sex and how people should have sex at least once a day.  Then she moves from sex to politics.

 

She does this by asking the driver who he will vote for, Hillary or Obama.  Then she goes on for the rest of the ride, talking about how Hillary is the candidate for her because of the “smokescreen”  Hillary has dealt with the smokescreen.  Her husband was smokescreened by the Republicans.  She discussed Hillary’s candidacy for the rest of the ride, like 10 minutes, and used the word smokescreen, or some derivative thereof, roughly 90 times.  Then the driver pulls up in front of this tiny restaurant and we are let go, none too soon for the driver I would think.  Not before, however, she pulls out her pictures and shows them to the driver.  “Just a little extra tip for his troubles.”

 

We wade into a sea of people waiting.  She makes her way to the front while Joy and I hang back.  Joy is apologizing for her friend, but I am having a great time.  Her friend returns and says it is an hour long wait, but she thinks it will be less, she has the guy’s phone number and we can go somewhere else until our table is ready.  She blinks and that lazy eye makes an appearance again

 

We walk down the block, to an aptly located candy store.  Not just any candy store, but a two story, massive candy store.  So we are wandering around it and again people are walking up to Joy’s friend and she is explaining the painting to them.  “Thanks.  It is hand done.  It’s based on a Chagall painting.  Yes there is a something on it to keep it from smearing.  This hand was painted black to match the background.  Ooh, you must see this one face.”  At that point she would pull down the front of her shirt to show the curious the large green profile on her left breast. 

 

Finally, she learns the true power of the painting.  She and Joy are looking at some chocolate body wash.  Joy is interested, but can’t figure out what is smells like.  Finally a clerk, who has been eyeing Joy’s friend, comes over and asks if he can help them.  Joy asks if there is a sample around she can smell.  Her friend just asks if they can open one of the bottles.  He says, “I will open it for you if I can take your picture.”  She agrees and I can almost see the light bulb go off.  About ten minutes later, she is eyeing the toffee.  She mentions to Joy that the Toffee looks delicious.  Joy suggests that someone will give her a free sample if she would just ask.  Five minutes later, she is eating a huge chunk of toffee.

 

Joy and I head upstairs to look around.  Her friend announces that she has to use the ladies room so she will be back.  She then disappears for like 20 minutes.  When she finally reappears, after Joy and I have looked at everything in the store at least twice, she is carrying a bag. 

 

“What’s in the bag,”  Joy asks.

 

“Just some chocolate-covered pretzels.”

 

“How much did you pay for those?”  I wondered.

 

“Just a little bit of this.”  She responds, leaning forward and shaking her breasts vigorously.  She then blinks again and that damned lazy eye stares right into my soul.

 

So we finally head back to Serendipity and after another ten minutes or so of waiting in the most cramped entrance ever, we are shown to our seats.  Now the conversation begins in earnest.  Joy and I order a cheesecake dish, with two pieces of cheesecake, hot fudge, whip cream, strawberries, mousse.  It is totally decadent.  We also get a frozen hot chocolate to share between us.  It is good, but really just a yummy chocolate shake.  I forget what her friend orders.  So we are talking about her, and her boyfriend.  Then we talk about Joy and her family.  Finally the conversation moves to me, and my son, and finally my ex wife and her insanity.  Her new status, pregnant, comes up, along with her boyfriend’s status as an ex con.  At this Joy’s friend freaks.  She announces that clearly my ex-wife is a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and she must now get help.  This discussion continues on a parallel track as the Hillary monologue.  It is much sadder, but the word of the conversation is now “survivor.”   My ex needs help because she is a survivor.  She survived it and now she needs help, for her sake…for your son’s sake, to get over it.

 

So after much listening, and quiet agreement, Joy and I finally decide it is late enough.  We pay our bill and head outside.  Her friend hails two taxis.  We take ours back to the hotel and play a few mean rounds of Mancala before we head off to sleep.

 

Ok, it is late.  I will finish with part 2 of the NYC trip and bring you up to date totally tomorrow.  

 Ok, so my one reader suddenly has a voracious appetite.  I would hope that, whoever you may be, you are not ignoring loved ones or neglecting your basic needs of life.  Take a drink man!  Use the bathroom!  Please!
 

That being said, I did, in fact, promise more news, even good news within one day of my last post.  I did not do that.  For that I apologize, but still, poor little Suzy misses her mommy.
 

So I have brought you up to date, basically, with Kei and the ex.  On now with news of my new uber-hot, red-headed, bendy gal:  Yep, she is still there.  I am unsure why, but she seems to have taken a shine to me.  Things have been going pretty well.  She is stressed over some of her own issues.  She has moved, meaning she is closer to me, but farther from work.  She has a crazy roommate.  He is her ex-fiance, and there is a lot of history there, most of which does not seem to be good.  I am not worried about here leaving me for him as the following two stories will help to illustrate.
 

So she and he moved out of their old place at the end of 2007, and I was helping them.  Now those of you who know me, know that I am not a marathon runner, or any sort of runner at all.  I am not in shape.  And yet, this poor bastard was laid out on moving faster than my ex, and that’s fast.  So I am talking to him one night and I mention that it seems like he could really use some help; and it seems like he is in a bad place and I know a really good therapist if he would like to try that.  He says , “Yeah, send me the info and I will contact him.”
 

The next day, I hunt down the number for my old therapist.  It takes a little doing as he is no longer with the group he worked for when I saw him, but I finally track him down online and get, what I believe, is a good phone number for him.  I pass it on to my lady friend who passes it on to the roommate, with the caveat that this is a new number for him and I think, think, it will be the best way to get him.  A couple of days pass and I am talking to Joy when she blurts out, while laughing, that my therapist has already yelled at Bill.  “What?  Why?”  She tells me that he apparently called him and the number was not the best way to contact him so the therapist told Bill to not contact him that way anymore.
 

I am mortified.  I feel awful.  Here I was, trying to help this guy out of this low spot in his life and I seem to have made things worse.  If only I had actually tried to number first.  Not to mention that I feel bad for exposing my therapist to this.  He was a really cool guy and I don’t want him thinking that some dude, who got his name from me, is now stalking him.  So another day goes by and I talk to Bill personally about it.  As I talk to him, it comes out that he never called the guy.  He emailed him.  “Where did  you get his email address?”  I ask.  

“From the website.”

“Really.  I don remember seeing it listed any where.”  Well, I didn’t see it listed because it wasn’t.  He “figured out”  his email based on emails that were listed on the site.  So this jackass sends this therapist, who he has never met, an email to the therapist's unlisted email; and the guy doesn’t grasp what he has done wrong!
 

Also, for a while I have been a tad disturbed by the way my li’l honey tends to treat this guy, particularly how she talks to him.  Some of the things she says are reminiscent of things I have heard about me in the past.  Now I have said that to her in the past and she has responded that she understands, but always couches that with a “but you don’t live with him, so you don’t really know.”  I agreed with that, but was still disturbed.  Until about two months ago.

 

He had left his car at my place, while he went on vacation and gave Joy the keys.  He had parked it out in front and we were going somewhere so I suggested that Joy pull it into the driveway.  She gets into his car and I get into El Jefe (my Chevy Blazer, for those of you who don’t know).  As I am backing out, I see that she is standing outside of the car.  So I stop and roll down my window.  “What’s the matter?” I ask.

“Come here, I need to show you something.”  I get out and start walking to the car.  I am looking at the car and asking her what.  She is very vague and just keeps repeating, “You need to see this.”  I get to the driver's side door and I can see absolutely nothing wrong with the car.  She opens the door and gestures to the inside of the car.  I look and see some crumbs in the center console, but nothing else unusual.  So I ask again, “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

“Get in.”  Ok, so I get in.
 

My ass had no sooner touched the seat when this smell.  This awful, pungent odor assaulted me.  It was, hands down, the worst smell I have ever smelled.
 

At this point, lest you think I am some odor pansy, or one of those sensitive nose types, I would like to point out that I worked on Long Island for two years inspecting transfer stations.  That is where most people’s garbage goes before it goes to a landfill.  And, in the course of my job on the Island, I went on a tour of Fresh Kills landfill, the dump that accepted all of New York City’s Garbage for a time.  And while there, I was sprayed with “juice” from an old section of the landfill.

Brother, I know from stink. 

And yet that car was the WORST  smell ever.

I no longer have any sympathy for the guy.
 

There is a recent development on that front though.  Joy has kicked him out of the new apartment.  He will be moving shortly.  I know this will be tough for both of them, financially mostly, but it will ultimately be for the best for both of them.

 

Ok, I have written so much.  I will likely post more tonight or tomorrow.  So read this and go get a sandwich. 

I, umm, seem to have readers. 

 

One anyway. 

 

One anonymous reader anyway.

 

One, angry, anonymous reader with apparently a lot to do in his or her life because it took them like, let me check, seventeen (17!) weeks to realize and comment on the fact that I had not updated my journal.  So, without further ado, a taste of casa Doug:

 

Much has happened since I last rapped at ya all.  Hmm, where to start?  Let’s take things categorically as opposed to chronologically:

 

The Ex-wife:  Is fucking certifiable.  Just before Thanksgiving she calls me up and tells me that she is quitting her job at the Pre-school and it was pretty awful there and she is pulling Kei out too.  Oh and she is going to need me to be paying her more.  Whatthefuck?  So I set about trying to talk to my lawyer.  Before I can though, she let’s me know that she is pregnant.

 

I’m sorry, I should have warned you all.  Have a seat…deep breaths.  Yep she is pregnant, with her new boyfriend.  The guy she has known for like 5 months at that point.  Of course he is the “love of her life.”  Of course, so was I, and so was Tim.  Now I get a hold of my lawyer pretty fucking quickly and I tell him the whole situation.  I am not going to be paying for another man’s baby. 

 

So there were some issues around Thanksgiving.  Now for those of you who don’t know, I love me some Thanksgiving.  It is one of my top holidays.  It holds a lot of importance for me as it is one of the few times my whole family gets together.  Now the ex knows this, and she knows that she gets Kei for Christmas, his birthday, and Easter.  Yet for some reason she feels the need to take him for Thanksgiving too.  So I finally get him on Thanksgiving.  Of course I was deathly fucking ill over the holiday.  Joy had to drive us out and back and I was out of it.  The plus side is that I got to get not one, but two injections into my ass.  Apparently I was “double-barelled” sick.   

 

Then there were some issues around Christmas.  I wanted to take him for like 2 hours on Christmas, but that was nixed by the ex pretty quickly.  So Joy and I went out there to watch Kei open presents.  We show up just after Kei had woken up.  Now I have presents for Kei, but I am only bringing a couple of small things for him to open at the ex’s.  We show up and there are tons of presents.  He has a huge haul.  Now I am feeling really guilty.  I have not gotten nearly as much stuff.  So he begins opening presents.  And she has gotten him all this stuff.  And I am getting more and more anxious as he keeps opening.  Finally he takes a break and I give him one of my presents to open.  It is this watch-like thing that I thought he would really love.  It is this little Christmas tree that straps on to your wrist and when you press it, it lights up.  It was like a dollar at the paper store at the outlet mall.  It is made in China and, in retrospect, probably loaded with lead.  So he opens it up and I show him how to make it light up.  He then drops it, slides off the couch and runs over to me.  He gives me this huge hug and kiss and tells me, “Thank you.”  It was the number one Christmas moment ever.

 

Now she had bought a house with the new boyfriend.  It is just inside the 50 mile radius required by the divorce papers.  It is a run-down farmhouse on five acres.  So not only is it a huge drive back and forth, but that bitch bought, like, my dream house using the good credit that she has because she destroyed mine!

 

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

At least she is ok with the tiny school district so she has dropped the “Catholic school is the only option besides home schooling” thing.  Yep.  She called me right after the new year began to announce that the schools “up here” sucked and the only options she saw as feasible for him were Catholic school or home schooling.  Oh, and as an example of why the schools suck, She declared that I had told her I was unprepared for College when I graduated. 

 

SONOFAMOTHERFUCKINGWHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So, I figure I have to wait her out for about two years and she will be ready to move again.  Of course, then we will have the same discussion over Kei’s schooling.

 

Ok, On to happier things.  On to the Boy!

 

He is amazing me with his ability to learn and remember.  I finally did get him that Big-Boy-Bed I had promised.  He didn’t get it though until his birthday.  This was for two reasons.  One, he was giving me trouble with the lights in his room and I made it clear to him that kids who need to have their closet light on at night do not get big-boy-beds.  He didn’t care.  Two, twin beds are fucking expensive.  I ended up getting one off of Craigslist..  Now I know the thought of a used mattress off of Craigslist will make most of you cringe.  However, I thoroughly examined it and it was almost like new.  It was also good n’ cheap.

 

He has been giving me more problems going to sleep at night.  About a week ago, I put him to bed.  He was out of bed twice; once asking to go to the bathroom; then again asking for a drink.  I finally get him in bed and staying in bed, or so I thought.  A couple of hours pass and I head to bed myself.  I walk upstairs and see that there is a lot of light coming from his room.  So I quietly open the door and I find the overhead light on with him asleep half on-half off his bed.  I slide him all the way on the bed and turn off his light.  Well, the next morning, the shit hit the fan.  He comes into my room and climbs into the bed next to me.  I say good morning to him.  I get silence from him.  “Good Morning Kei!”

 

“Did you turn off my light last night?”

 

Uh oh.  Ok, and with that, I will end this post.  I will post more tomorrow to bring you up to date on Joy, my family, and all the other crazy things going on with my life.

 

 

 

 

 

On to Halloween.  Julie dropped Kei off at my place.  He already had his zombie costume on and he was rarin’ to go trick-or-treating.  I had him wait until Joy came over.  I finished carving the jack-o-lantern and we waited for Joy.  Shortly after Joy arrived we went out.  I had thrown on some white makeup to match the boy’s zombie-ness.  Joy was again Li’l red.  We started going around the block.  We hit most of the homes.  Kei was funny in that he would not go up on the porch without me.  I also had to talk with him before we left about what you say.  He had learned from some story at school that what you say is “Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.  If you don’t, I don’t care, I’ll pull down your underwear.”  I assured him that “trick or treat” was plenty.  He only made it three-quarters of the way around the block before he started dragging his candy bucket and saying he was tired.  After I assured him that she would not eat his candy, he gave the bucket to Joy and rode the rest of the way home on my shoulders.

After making the rounds, I made him dinner and we all ate, in between the other trick-or-treaters arriving at the door.  After his bath, he was playing with Joy on my bed and he got sick.  Poor guy was just too excited.  I plopped him back in the bath for a few minutes, and then got him ready for bed.  He was out, despite his insistence that he wouldn’t sleep, shortly thereafter.

Oh! Oh!  I nearly forgot the biggest news of all!  Kei is now, regularly, pooping on the POTTY!  Woohoo for him!  Because of that, his mom got him a pet rat, at his insistence, and the male rat was named Sharon, after his teacher; also at his insistence.  I, as per my last promise, have agreed to get him a big-boy bed.  We will probably get it this weekend.

Ok, back to Halloween.  Now for the scariest moment, at least for that poor trick-or-treater.  After Kei was alseep, Joy and I settled down to watch Pushing Daisies.  The trick-or-treaters gradually petered out and after the last group showed up around 8:15, I turned off the light. And settled back onto the couch.  After a bit, I start making out with Joy.  One thing leads to another and I am now on top of Joy. Neither of us are wearing pants.  I am having fun, she is having fun.  Then the dog starts barking.  Only a minor annoyance.  Then, just at that climatic moment (i.e. climax) I heard the distinct sound of people walking up onto my front porch.  I freeze.  Joy freezes.  We hear, “Hello?  Is anyone there?”  I am torn between my sense of community, my desire to give this poor youngster the candy they have worked so hard for, and my lack of pants.  I immediately suggest that Joy answer the door.  She points out that she is not wearing pants either.  Argh!  Foiled by nudity!  Eventually she moved on. 

Yep, the grand experiment failed miserably.  I have now gone over a week with no update.  At first I rationalized it.  “Oh, there just isn’t much interesting going on in my life...”  Then though, interesting things happened, and you were all left out of the loop.

Last weekend, I had a great time with Joy.  On Friday night we went to her sister’s for a Halloween party.  She was little red riding hood, I went as the big, bad wolf.  She was smokin’ in a short red, plaid skirt.  I wore one of her dead mother’s flannel nightgowns.  My face was cool though, I had a glue-on nose and ears and I glued some fur on top of that.  On my hands I put on black nail polish and glued some more fur there.  The party rocked with everyone dressed and having a good time.

On Saturday we went to my ex’s for Kei’s Halloween party.  We dressed again, but we were the only adults dressed.  The party was not that much fun.  There were a fraction of the people there and everyone was very uptight.  Kei looked great as a zombie though.  I forgot to get pics, but will get some this weekend as Kei, Joy, and I will be going to a late Halloween party.  Oh, and to top off my ex’s lame party, she told me I wasn’t going to get Kei for Thanksgiving.  More on that later.

After the party we went home for a bit and then went to an almost midnight showing of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” It was awesome!  I was tempted to dress up for it, but I had enough of costumes for a bit.   Everyone was throwing rice and toast, and squirting water.  Plus there was a guy behind us who knew all the best screen comments.  My favorite: “That man has no fucking neck!”  And besides the usual comments, he also provided the most ironic off-screen moment.  As the lips started singing, he started in with the running commentary.  Half way through the credits though, he stops to make this observation, “Hey, Meatloaf is in this?  I forgot Meatloaf was in this.”

So after that we grabbed some coffee and pie at the diner and then went back to my place for a solid hour and a half of a vigorous activity that I told you I wouldn’t mention anymore.  It was amazing though.

Sunday morning started with a trip to Old Country Buffet.  It was a sad place.  Not as sad as Golden Corral (that place made me seriously re-order my values), but still kind of sad.  It didn’t stop Joy or myself from eating about a pound of bacon a piece.  Joy had an excellent observation about Bacon, especially at diners.  Bacon is like gold at a diner.  If you order it you get like two slices, like an ounce of meat.  Order sausage and you get like a half pound of spiced pork goodness.  Needless to say, we bulked up on bacon at the buffet. (That sounds like a tongue-twister.)